I have dreamed of studying abroad since I was 15, but it took me 11 years to make it come true.
I arrived in the UK in September 2022 – a week before my postgraduate program started and 18 days before my 26th birthday. Despite having never been to this country, I found it quite familiar. It may be because I have been immersed in English and exposed to images and stories about the UK long enough to consider this my second home.
Or it may be because I found the UK has a sense of cultural tolerance, which could support me to redefine myself not based on any stereotypes such as race, nationality, or gender but based on my mentality, my capacity, and my personality. I enjoy the lifestyle in Leeds with a perfect balance of vibrancy and serenity from which I can have fun and forget about homesickness. At the same time, I start cherishing my Vietnamese roots more than ever before.
Hoan Kiem Lake – Photo by Chou Vu on Unsplash
I was born and raised in Hanoi, the capital of Vietnam. It is also the cradle of the country’s history and culture. I am lucky enough not to witness firsthand the devastation and pain that the two wars have left on this land. However, I can feel how cruel wars have been when listening to previous generations, living with them, and observing their lifestyle. The wartime is over, but people are still not relaxed. Their loss, their fear, their insecurity, their resentment, their endurance, and their tenacity remain. They have been passing on these characteristics to the next generations. Little did I know that I also inherited them all.
I used to hate my family so much because of the indescribable wound they gave me. I could not understand why my grandfather tied my uncle to a pillar and hit him as a punishment when he was small. I could not understand why my grandmother had to spend hours in the kitchen cooking 10 different dishes for the Tet holiday. I could not understand why my dad was always busy with his work and never had enough spare time for me during my childhood. And I could not understand why my mum always set high expectations for me in my studies and life. In my eyes, everything was unreasonable. Unfortunately, I could do nothing but continue to try to fulfill all duties of a child in the family to make my parents proud. I thought that they would leave me alone once I achieved what they wanted me to do, but I was wrong. More is good, always good, and even a must to have a secure life.
Busy night in Hanoi – Photo by Florian Wehde on Unsplash
It is also true in a bigger picture of the economy in Vietnam in the context of post-colonialism, post-imperialism, and globalisation. Despite remarkable progress, the country is still in the economic race to prove itself on the international platform. There is still a lot of work to do so maybe that is why the hustle and bustle keep haunting people. In the past, they fought for the country’s independence. Today, they fight for the stature of the nation. It is an ongoing journey that never truly lets the people here live a day in peace. How could one escape from this truth? How could one dare to have a worry-free life in such a complicated social context? I basically could not find another way to go. As a result, I have gone a long way to accept the intergenerational wound as a part of my identity with love, understanding, and respect.
I have realised that without difficulties and sacrifices, there would be no happiness. My beloved ones are just ordinary people with unprocessed wounds, and their lives are also not easy. Yet, they have sacrificed their lives so I could have a better life. As the only person in my extended family to have a Bachelor’s degree in Vietnam and be able to study a Master’s programme abroad, I feel grateful for their sacrifices. I no longer find their expectations too high or senseless because it is my responsibility to turn all the advantages they gave me into more outstanding values. What I once thought was absurd now makes sense.
Tet CAThering 2023 – Photo by Vietsoc Leeds
Thanks to the opportunity of studying abroad, I have had some time for self-reflection and saw my struggle from a different perspective at which I am not a victim anymore. I can build an identity for myself, and undoubtedly, the good qualities of the Vietnamese people will be my firm foundation, which is pride instead of shame. I will try my best to reach my full potential and be more mature so that my family knows their sacrifices are worthy. I want to dedicate myself to life so that one day, I can be confident to say: “I am Vietnamese!” I hope that one day my small contributions and those of the young generation of Vietnam will help the country be more powerful in all aspects so that each Vietnamese can live a more calming and happy life.
Writer, and creative.
