Oblivious to the disorderly state of his apartment, I sat in the dimly lit living room and watched him play his new songs on his guitar. Between the melodies, we filled the silence with our words. I recall juggling my thoughts and my nerves that night as I didn’t expect this progression on our first date. Regardless of the trajectory of where the night was going, I didn’t want it to end anytime soon. I wanted this man to kiss me. I wanted to feel desired in the same way I desired him. Alas, as I have come to learn from a very young age; I seldom get what I want and that night was no exception. Was it because he didn’t feel attracted to me, a woman who walks differently? Whatever the answer, I felt unworthy of the love I thought I deserved. This was not an isolated incident, though, and this feeling is all too familiar to me.
Born with Cerebral Palsy, I have a crouched gait when I walk and because my right leg is not straight, I am a bit asymmetrical. But is this why men are not attracted to me? If this is the case, it would assist in explaining their reluctance to be sexual with me.
A man who I was attracted to once told me in no uncertain terms that men are attracted to a women’s physical appearance. I immediately dismissed this statement as superficial and eagerly moved on from him. But, a few months later I found out from a friend that a man had claimed that he would break me if he slept with me. Although it was cause for a short-lived chuckle on my part, it soon made me think about how I feel about my body and how I see myself as a young woman, who also wants to be desired sexually. I came to realize that my overall self-esteem and body image are tainted, leaving me feeling unattractive. I sometimes get stuck in believing that my body is something unworthy of being loved. My feelings are not unique to my personal circumstances and are experienced globally, as shown in a study conducted in 2001 by the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities in the United States. The study found that, “physical disability can affect body image, and women with physical disabilities hold more negative body image perceptions than other women.”
Women in the media are portrayed as an ideal that is impossible to replicate in reality. Glossy magazines and television make able-bodied women feel insecure and disabled women are left feeling even worse. Representation of disabled models has been introduced to make way for more inclusivity, but a lot of work remains in terms of shifting attitudes and creating a more open-minded view of beauty. The generic idea of what a potential partner needs to be looked at with more diversification because disabled people are often not seen as having romantic relationships, owing to the assumption that they are not sexual beings capable of having sex. While I know that I, alone, cannot change the way people choose to think, I can create an awareness around physical disability and advocate towards a more inclusive society.
In addition to this, I will continue to live my life to the fullest by learning and experiencing new things, while doing my best to meet new people. I know that my future partner must be able to see beyond my disability, allowing him to see the compassionate, adventurous, loyal and curious women that I am. I want my love story as much as the next woman, but it is important not to settle in a relationship. As I end off, I know I will have your good wishes the next time I find myself at a man’s apartment late at night. And if I end up kissing another frog, it can only mean that I am one step closer to finding my prince, right?
Writer.
