Oblivious to the disorderly state of his apartment, I sat in the dimly lit living room and watched him play his new songs on his guitar. Between the melodies, we filled the silence with our words. I recall juggling my thoughts and my nerves that night as I didn’t expect this progression on our first date. Regardless of the trajectory of where the night was going, I didn’t want it to end anytime soon. I wanted this man to kiss me. I wanted to feel desired in the same way I desired him. Alas, as I have come to learn from a very young age; I seldom get what I want and that night was no exception. Was it because he didn’t feel attracted to me, a woman who walks differently? Whatever the answer, I felt unworthy of the love I thought I deserved. This was not an isolated incident, though, and this feeling is all too familiar to me.
Born with Cerebral Palsy, I have a crouched gait when I walk and because my right leg is not straight, I am a bit asymmetrical. But is this why men are not attracted to me? If this is the case, it would assist in explaining their reluctance to be sexual with me.
A man who I was attracted to once told me in no uncertain terms that men are attracted to a women’s physical appearance. I immediately dismissed this statement as superficial and eagerly moved on from him. But, a few months later I found out from a friend that a man had claimed that he would break me if he slept with me. Although it was cause for a short-lived chuckle on my part, it soon made me think about how I feel about my body and how I see myself as a young woman, who also wants to be desired sexually. I came to realize that my overall self-esteem and body image are tainted, leaving me feeling unattractive. I sometimes get stuck in believing that my body is something unworthy of being loved. My feelings are not unique to my personal circumstances and are experienced globally, as shown in a study conducted in 2001 by the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities in the United States. The study found that, “physical disability can affect body image, and women with physical disabilities hold more negative body image perceptions than other women.”
Women in the media are portrayed as an ideal that is impossible to replicate in reality. Glossy magazines and television make able-bodied women feel insecure and disabled women are left feeling even worse. Representation of disabled models has been introduced to make way for more inclusivity, but a lot of work remains in terms of shifting attitudes and creating a more open-minded view of beauty. The generic idea of what a potential partner needs to be looked at with more diversification because disabled people are often not seen as having romantic relationships, owing to the assumption that they are not sexual beings capable of having sex. While I know that I, alone, cannot change the way people choose to think, I can create an awareness around physical disability and advocate towards a more inclusive society.
In addition to this, I will continue to live my life to the fullest by learning and experiencing new things, while doing my best to meet new people. I know that my future partner must be able to see beyond my disability, allowing him to see the compassionate, adventurous, loyal and curious women that I am. I want my love story as much as the next woman, but it is important not to settle in a relationship. As I end off, I know I will have your good wishes the next time I find myself at a man’s apartment late at night. And if I end up kissing another frog, it can only mean that I am one step closer to finding my prince, right?
Writer.
Walking into the RedBull Studios in Cape Town and seeing a whole lot of people from the music and entertainment industry was extremely overwhelming, but I managed to play it cool and contain my sheer excitement. I found a seat and just took in my surroundings. I then saw two familiar faces from the band who were going to record a set live on national radio. I was far too shy to go and introduce myself. Isaac, the band’s drummer, then appeared and I knew I had to go say hi as he had organized for me to be there. This was the first time I met the rock band, Shadowclub, but not the first time I had experienced a behind-the-scenes live show.
Because I have Cerebral Palsy, affecting me physically, I am only able to attend concerts where there is seating. Given that not many live venues in South Africa are not accessible in this way, it makes being a music lover with a disability very frustrating and challenging because I too want to experience live music. However, I am not the type of person to allow my circumstances get in the way of my passion. I usually just send the musicians a direct message on social media where I explain my situation and ask if I can attend their soundcheck or sit backstage during the live show and the rest is history. I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced many soundchecks, while meeting some of South Africa’s biggest musicians. I feel that this offers a more intimate showcase of the show as it reveals how the band members relate to one another musically and as people.
From a personal perspective, I am given the opportunity to share my story, while mingling with rockstars. What could be better for a self-confessed groupie? These experiences have also allowed me to further educate not only the musicians, but venue owners too about disability, inclusion and accessibility. Where it is all about egos and self-indulgence, I consider myself lucky to know that I am doing my part in humanizing the industry by bringing a much-needed awareness among industry-players of the situation that some of their fans find themselves in.
Taking this awareness one step further, I have also managed to facilitate charity initiatives with the bands and musicians I have come to know. From hosting raffles at various live shows to walking along the promenade with one of South Africa’s most popular musicians, Francios van Coke, all in aid of raising money for underprivileged children and their education.
I am not despondent about the lack of accessibility and the fact that the issue will not be solved overnight. To bring about awareness in the music industry, I am committed to making myself seen and heard because once people are made aware of inaccessibility, change is then a possibility. Maya Angelou spoke facts when she said, “When we know better, we do better.”
Words: Jemah Starling
Writer.
Skip to content